SELF-PROCLAIMED ASTRONAUT JOHNO THE PLUMBER QUESTIONS WHAT HE’D PAY HIMSELF TO WORK WITH HIMSELF

BREAKING:

PUMPLIFE EXCLUSIVE | SPACE EXPLORATION, PLUMBING & EXTREME SELF-APPRECIATION

Australia’s plumbing industry has once again demonstrated why it considers itself the superior trade, after Johno the Plumber — businessman, philosopher, motivational speaker and self-proclaimed bloke who’s basically an astronaut — delivered a groundbreaking speech about the value of human life on a construction site.

Johno, who has long maintained that plumbers are God’s gift to construction while concrete pumpies are a collection of oxygen thieves operating machinery, has presented the nation with a question previously reserved for NASA’s most intelligent minds.

“If you could clone yourself, what would you pay yourself?”

A question so intellectually advanced that several concrete pump operators reportedly had to ask their hoseys what cloning meant.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR JOHNO’S EGO

According to Johno, the ideal employee should possess accountability, communication skills, integrity, passion, project management abilities and an exceptional work ethic.

Fortunately, Johno already knows someone who ticks every single box.

Johno.

Scientists believe this extraordinary discovery could make Johno the first man in history to conduct a job interview with himself and have both parties leave convinced they’d met the most impressive cunt alive.

NASA has reportedly expressed interest in the plumber’s ability to reach astronomical heights without ever leaving the ground.

SCIENTISTS WARN TWO JOHNOS COULD BE TOO MUCH FOR PLANET EARTH

Following the announcement, researchers at the Pumplife Institute of Advanced Bullshit began investigating the possibility of cloning Australia’s most valuable plumber.

Initial modelling suggests two Johnos would produce twice the productivity, twice the wisdom and approximately 700% more conversations about how much they’re worth.

However, the project encountered a major setback when Clone Johno demanded the same hourly rate as Original Johno.

“You’re dreaming, mate. Nobody’s worth that,” Original Johno reportedly told himself.

Clone Johno immediately resigned, purchased a Ford Ranger and launched a competing plumbing business.

Both have since released Instagram videos explaining the importance of knowing your worth.

CONCRETE PUMPERS PRAISE THE PLUMBING PROFESSION

Despite years of being treated as the bottom feeders of the construction industry, concrete pump operators have welcomed Johno’s latest contribution to humanity.

“He’s a fucken genius,” said one operator, speaking through the window of a 2006 Hino.

“I’ve spent 20 years pumping concrete and never once thought about cloning myself. Mainly because one’s already too many.”

Another operator admitted Johno’s speech had inspired him to pursue personal development.

“If I could clone myself, I’d send the other cunt to work and stay home punching cones. That’s what I reckon I’m worth.”

JOHNO CONSIDERS EMPLOYING TWO NORMAL CUNTS INSTEAD OF ONE EXCEPTIONAL JOHNO

Perhaps the greatest moment in Johno’s address came when he questioned whether employers would rather pay one outstanding tradesman his asking rate or hire two blokes for half the price.

It’s a revolutionary concept.

Unfortunately, the concrete pumping industry has been doing precisely that for 40 years.

Why employ one competent hosey when you can have two absolute fuckwits simultaneously losing clamps at opposite ends of the job?

It’s called efficiency, Johno.

Something you astronauts wouldn’t understand.

PUMPLIFE CALLS FOR JOHNO TO BE RECOGNISED BY NASA

Pumplife would like to congratulate Johno on another inspirational contribution to the Australian construction industry.

He’s got the confidence of Elon Musk, the wisdom of Aristotle and the self-belief of a bloke who’s never lost an argument with himself.

And while plumbers continue to explore the outer limits of human potential, concrete pumpies will remain firmly on Earth, covered in shit, arguing with concreters and wondering why the fuck they’re still doing this for a living.

Godspeed, Johno.

You’ve conquered plumbing.

You’ve conquered business.

You’ve conquered the art of telling yourself how good you are.

Now there’s only one frontier left.

Space, you magnificent pipe-bending bastard.

Pumplife contacted NASA to ask whether Johno qualified as an astronaut. They reportedly confirmed that having your head in the clouds doesn’t count.

PUMPLIFE — JOHNO’S REACHING FOR THE STARS. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO REACH THE FUCKEN SLAB.

This is satire. No actual cloning research or NASA involvement has been established, although Johno’s confidence appears to be operating well beyond Earth’s atmosphere.