TESLA ENTERS CONCRETE PUMPING INDUSTRY — FIRST CYBER PUMP

The concrete pumping industry is officially fucked.

Elon Musk has apparently decided electric cars, rockets and taking the piss on Twitter weren’t enough, with Tesla now turning its attention to the world’s most mentally unstable workforce — concrete pump operators.

Introducing the TESLA CYBER PUMP.

A $500,000 electric concrete pump that promises to revolutionise the industry by replacing diesel engines, hydraulic headaches and, eventually, the bloke holding the hose.

A leaked order confirmation dated October 15 shows one wealthy lunatic has already transferred half a million American dollars to secure the first machine.

And the mad cunt hasn’t even seen it pump a metre.

500 GRAND AND IT DOESN’T EVEN COME WITH A HOSEY

According to completely unverified reports we’ve just made up, the Cyber Pump will feature Tesla’s latest technology, including:

• Autopour: Automatically identifies the slowest concreter on site and sends him concrete twice as fast.
• Hosey Detection: Uses AI cameras to identify useless cunts standing around holding a shovel.
• Full Self-Pumping: Allows operators to sit inside the air-conditioned cab watching TikTok while the boom does whatever the fuck it wants.
• Ludicrous Mode: Pumps 200 cubes an hour regardless of whether the formwork is ready.
• Autopilot: Automatically drives past jobs where the customer still owes money.
• Over-the-Air Updates: Randomly disables the pump halfway through a Friday afternoon pour.

The machine also features a revolutionary wireless remote that apparently costs $18,000 to replace and doesn’t work when someone parks a Hilux next to it.

INDUSTRY EXPERTS SAY “GOOD LUCK CHARGING THE CUNT”

Traditional pump operators have slammed the announcement, questioning how an electric pump is supposed to survive a 14-hour day pumping 300 cubes in 40-degree heat.

One veteran operator, who requested anonymity because he’s currently working for cash, told Pumplife:

“I’ve been pumping for 30 fucken years, mate. You reckon I’m gonna sit around waiting for the cunt to charge while the concrete’s going off?”

Tesla has responded by confirming the Cyber Pump can achieve an 80% charge in just 45 minutes.

Unfortunately, nobody has told Elon the nearest charging station is 60 kilometres from the job site, and the site sparky hasn’t even got the temporary power hooked up.

ELON MUSK PROMISES TO ELIMINATE THE HOSEY BY 2028

Perhaps the most controversial feature is Tesla’s proposed Optimus Hosey — a humanoid robot designed to replace the traditional concrete pumping offsider.

The robot reportedly doesn’t smoke, doesn’t complain about early starts and won’t disappear to the servo for 45 minutes.

However, early testing revealed the robot immediately quit after being asked to drag 40 metres of line through ankle-deep mud while a concreter screamed, “GIVE US A BIT MORE, CUNT.”

Tesla engineers are currently investigating.

FIRST DELIVERY EXPECTED SOMETIME BETWEEN NOW AND NEVER

Despite accepting the $500,000 payment, Tesla has yet to confirm a delivery date.

The purchaser has reportedly been told the machine is “coming soon”, which in Tesla language could mean next Thursday or 2037.

Meanwhile, the concrete pumping community is already divided.

Half reckon it’s the future.

The other half reckon it’s a fucking fridge with a boom on it.

Pumplife has contacted Elon Musk for comment but was informed he’s too busy launching rockets, impregnating the population and trying to work out why his new concrete pump keeps blocking up on a 100mm slump.

This article is satire. Tesla hasn’t announced a Cyber Pump, and we have absolutely no idea who transferred the 500 grand. But if you’ve got that sort of money to throw around, get in touch — we’ll write whatever the fuck you want.

PUMPLIFE — KEEPING THE INDUSTRY INFORMED WITH INFORMATION WE MADE UP.