Perth Man, 32, Declares Swan River A Car Park, Police Disagree And Lay Charge Of Destruction Of Property

PERTH, WA — A 32-year-old Perth man has officially reclassified the Swan River as a temporary car park after driving his Jeep straight into it, a bold land-use decision that police have since reviewed and charged him with destruction of property.

The Jeep went in, the Jeep stayed in, and a pair of coppers in blue shirts strolled down the pontoon like blokes who have seen a lot of dumb shit but never this exact dumb shit. "That's the sound of the police!" someone yells in the video, which is the most accurate thing anyone has said all week.

"Mate's never checked a pour was on the right side of the formwork in his life, and he's gone and boat-ramped a 4WD," said one linehand, who has washed out a hopper into a stormwater drain and still felt like the bigger idiot. "Everyone's wing a job once. He winged a river."

A marine logistics expert who has never owned anything with an outboard confirmed the Jeep is now the most expensive anchor in Western Australia. "It's technically still parked. It's just parked wet."

Industry observers note this is the first recorded case of a vehicle being placed on a concrete pour with no concrete, no pump and no plan. The charge is destruction of property, which covers the Jeep, the pride and whatever was left of the Saturday.

At press time the river was still full, the Jeep was still wet, and nobody on the pontoon was willing to say who was shouting the loudest.

Editor's Note: Brakes exist. Satire, obviously.