Field Guide: How To Tell A Ten From An Old Bloke At 200 Metres, Leathered By The Sun And Wearing Bleach Blond Like A Warning

SITE ENTRANCE, WESTERN SYDNEY — A figure appeared at the far end of the job, glowing blond in the morning sun, walking like it knew the whole crew was watching, and every linehand on the pump had the same thought at the same time: that's a ten. It was not a ten. It was an old bloke with a face the sun had been tanning like a boot since 1987 and a head of bleach blond that had made some poor decisions in the nineties and stuck to them.

PumpLife's practical guide to this exact situation starts with the only rule that matters: nothing is good from far. Distance is the sun's best mate, and the sun has been lying to blokes on site since the first slab was poured. Step one, hold your reaction until the target is inside twenty metres. Step two, check the leather. If it could be used to resole a work boot, stand down.

"I was already fixing my hair," said one linehand, who has asked that the hair not be discussed. "Then he got close enough to say g'day and I just kept working on the hose like nothing happened. Nothing did happen. That's the problem."

The old bloke, for his part, walked straight past, nodded, and asked where the toilet was. He had no idea he had been a ten for a full two minutes and he will never be told.

It happens to the best of us. The best of us just don't talk about it until smoko.