Lingo Officially Crowned Sexiest Bloke To Ever Run A Line Pump, Will Be Sinking Piss Daily Across Sydney's Finest Locations All Summer

SYDNEY — Summer has landed, Lingo is out of the shed with his shirt off, and PumpLife has put it on the record: he is the sexiest bloke to ever run a line pump. Nobody voted but PumpLife himself, and that is the only ballot that counts. He's also a darn good fella, which the trade says is rarer than a dry slab in January, and he'll be sinking piss on the daily in some of Sydney's finest locations.

The finest locations, for the record, are Chullora, Silverwater, Lidcombe, Mascot, Rooty Hill, Emu Plains, Mount Druitt, Blacktown, Auburn, Wetherill Park, Glendenning, Minto, Ingleburn, Strathfield, Hurstville, the loading dock under Central, and a Wynyard car park with a ramp built by someone who hates concrete trucks. Every one is a muddy driveway, a gate code nobody has, and a neighbour in a singlet with opinions.

"He pulls up, drops the hose, flexes at a retaining wall and the whole street goes quiet," said one linehand, who admitted he has never once looked at the plans. "Then he's off to Penrith and the pub gets a very expensive afternoon."

A self-appointed panel of experts who have never lifted a stick of pipe confirmed the title is airtight. The wing tattoo is doing the heavy lifting, the sunburn is structural, and the squint is load-bearing.

The sun is out, the slabs are hot, and every pub from Campbelltown to Cronulla has been told to stock up. Lingo has no plans to pace himself, and neither does the beer.