FROM LINE LIZARD TO LOADED LEGEND: SOUTHPORT’S RICHEST TEAS UP ANOTHER FUCKING FORTUNE

FROM LINE LIZARD TO LOADED LEGEND: SOUTHPORT’S RICHEST POM TEAS UP ANOTHER FUCKING FORTUNE

GOLD COAST, QLD — Southport’s richest bastard under 40, Jackson F., has reportedly crawled out of the concrete trenches and straight into another money-making venture, this time looking to get Australia absolutely Tea’d Up for summer.

From dragging hoses through shit, sucking concrete fumes and living the glamorous life of a filthy line lizard to becoming a money-making mogul, the English-born weapon has somehow managed to turn being an absolute menace into a business strategy.

His latest venture, Tea It Up, is reportedly gearing up to quench the thirst of Australians this summer, leaving industry experts wondering how a bloke who once spent his days wrestling rubber snakes full of concrete is now attempting to take over the beverage industry.

“He’s got the heart of a pumpy, the mouth of a fucking machine gun and the mind of a serial killer when there’s money involved,” said one former workmate.

Despite his growing fortune, sources insist Jackson hasn’t forgotten his roots.

“He might have money now, but put a four-inch hose in his hands and he’ll still know how to make a mess of himself.”

Economists have described the transformation from line lizard to beverage baron as inspirational, particularly for the thousands of hosies currently earning $35 an hour while their bosses explain why there’s no money for a pay rise.

Jackson’s latest move has also raised questions about whether Tea It Up is actually a drink or just another elaborate way for the Pommy bastard to make money while everyone else does the hard work.

Either way, the bloke’s gone from getting pumped all day to getting the whole country Tea’d Up.

A WORD FROM THE PUMPLIFE EDITORIAL TEAM

Before you cunts start accusing us of selling out, we absolutely fucking have.

The only reason we’ve written this article is because Jackson paid us an obscene amount of money to tell you how much of a mad cunt he is.

We have conducted absolutely no research, verified precisely fuck all, and remain completely committed to whoever transfers the most money into our bank account.

Got a business? Got money? Want us to write an unnecessarily flattering article about what a fucking weapon you are?

Reach out, ya fuck.

PumpLife — proudly independent until someone offers us cash.